Jokes....I an't got no jokes!

"Tell Them... If you got em"

Heard in a hardware shop in Limavady:
Farmer John: "Give us a lump o'rope."
Shopkeeper: "How much would you be wanting, John? We sell it by the metre or by the yard."
John: "Which is cheaper?"
Shopkeeper: "Well, it works out the same, a metre is a bit longer than a yard."
John: "Right then, I'll have me lump in metres."


Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys at his school got new suits, but we can't afford to buy him one. Instead we're going to buy him a new hat and just let him look out the window.
(Excerpted from an Irish mother's letter to her son)


Typical of a conversation you might yet hear in Ireland. Says he " I'm fifty years a Pioneer." (member of a temperance movement). Replies his friend: "Please God you'll live to break it."

Not only our countrymen utter Irish bulls. Samuel Goldwyn gained such notoriety for this type of blunder that it rivaled his reputation as a Hollywood filmmaker. He said of one of his stars, "We're overpaying him, but he's worth it." To someone who annoyed him, he remarked, "I never liked you, and I always will." More recently, Yogi Berra, the former New York Yankees catcher, demonstrated a particular genius for statements that contain an element of sprung logic. "It ain't over 'till it's over," is, perhaps, his most famous remark. But he also uttered these priceless gems: "Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching." He is also credited with saying that "Ninety-nine percent of this game is half mental" and "Half the lies they tell me aren't true." One day someone asked him, "What time is it?" and Berra replied, "You mean right now?"
A very old folktale from Longford tells of the two farmers who were in earnest discussion on the comparative usefulness of the sun and the moon. Translated loosely from the Irish, their conversation went as follows: Sure, and the sun is more useful, said one. It gives a stronger light. Yes, but the moon is more sensible, argued the other. Sensible? How so? Put your mind to it mana, and you'll agree with me. The sun comes out in broad daylight when even a one-eyed man can see without it. But the moon - ah - the moon shines at night when we really need it!

Often the true stories are more humorous than made-up jokes:
A young girl came to the late Father Healy of Cork, and sadly made her confession: "Father, I fear I've committed the sin of vanity," she announced. "What makes you think that?" asked her father-confessor. "Because every morning, when I look in the mirror, I cannot help but think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, colleen," was the reassuring reply. "That isn't a sin; it's only a mistake."

Goodbye and Blessings
Irish Slán agus beannacht
Pronunciation lawn ah-gus bahn-uckth