John O'Callaghans Jokes

JOHN O'CALLAGHAN'S JOKE SELECTION

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
To Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day

~~~ The Mood Ring
I gave my last girlfriend a Mood Ring with a green
stone in it for her birthday. When she was in a
good mood the color of the stone changed from
green to red. When she was in a bad mood, it left
a Black mark on my forehead.

~~~ The Bar Pick-Up
One night while I was single I was having a drink
in the select lounge bar of the The Ballyfriggin
Arms Hotel, Ireland, when this dazzling colleen
came over and sat down beside me. She had a peaches
and cream complexion, dazzling white teeth,
voluptuous hips, pouty lips and red, shoulder
length hair.

'The reason I came over,' she said seductively,
'is that you that you look remarkably like my
third husband.'

'Oh' I exclaimed in surprise. 'Just how many husbands
have you actually had?'

She gave me a come-on smile and said,'Two!'

~~~ Desperate in Key West
I was on holiday in Key West, Florida, and having
a quite drink at the bar in Hemmingway's on Duval
Street when I spotted two attractive middle aged
ladies smiling at me and giving me the glad eye.
So naturally, I smiled back.

Then one came over and said,
'Hi. I am Sophie. My friend Shirley and I were
just saying we haven't seen you in here before?'

'I haven't been in here for 20 years. I just got
out of prison.'

'You're kidding?'

'No.'

'Did you--did you-rob a bank or something?

'No. I murdered my third wife.

'I choked her.'

'What happened to your second wife?'

'I poisoned her.'

'And what happened to your first wife?'

'I killed her by pushing her off the balcony.'

'Oh my gosh,' Sophie said. Then turning to her
friend on the other side of the bar, she screamed
out:

'Yoo-hoo, Shirley. Come on over here. He's single.'

~~~ Religious Stamps
Mrs. Murphy from Ballyfriggin goes up to Belfast
for a holiday. She is in the Post Office to buy
stamps for her post cards.

'I want to buy 6 stamps please,' she says.

'What denomination, Missus?'

'Oh, good heavens' she replied. 'Has it really
come to this? Oh well. Better give me 3 Protestant
and 3 Catholic ones.'

~~~ The 10 Commandments
Young Sean was asked to list the 10 Commandments
in any order.

So he said, '3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7'.

~~~ The Poor Preacher
Father Felim Feelgood, the parish priest in
Ballyfriggin was standing outside the church after
the eleven o'clock Mass and greeting the people
when young Sean O'Shea went up to him and said,

'When I grow up, father, I'm going to give you
some money.'

'Well, thank you,' the priest said, 'and tell me
now, what was it I said in my sermon that touched
your heart, son?'

'Oh it wasn't anything you said,' the boy
answered, 'it's something I heard me dad say. He
said to me mom:

'Father Feelgood is one of the poorest preachers
I have ever heard.'

~~~Saying Grace
When I was young my parents invited the new
neighbours to dinner. At the table, my mom turned
to me and said,

'John-Jo. You say the blessing'

'But mom I dunno what to say,' I replied.

'Just say what you heard Daddy say at dinner
last night.'

So I bowed my head, put my hands together and
said:

'Dear God, why did we invite those awful people
to dinner?'